Explosive Exhaustion

By 3:30pm I was still in my PJs but Kaitlyn wasn't. In fact she had been changed four different times due to explosive diapers, you know, the kind where the mustard poop travels up the back and soaks into the new outfit you were so excited for her to wear.

She's also teething so to add to the extra wiping I'm offering extra soothing for all her tears. Needless to say I'm exhausted today. It's been a day of strange mother emotions. I broke down after Steve left for his Academy training initially because Kaitlyn pinched my arm so hard when nursing but then while wallowing in my own misery I started feeling that dark pit emotion called 'who am I' surface. I really don't like embracing this particular emotion because truthfully I am an incredible mother, I'm sure of it, but today I was feeling unimportant as a mother. I can't be the only mom out there who experiences the dark pit emotion but for a couple of hours I was certain I was the only one going through it.

Now my dear Kaitlyn is passed out after falling tenderly asleep in my arms. I'm no longer in PJs and I've eaten some dinner. Watching my Tevo Oprah I feel like a Mother Warrior--Jenny McCarthy's new book. Why not? Afterall I am a Mother first, and now always will be, but a Warrior, yes. I have to push my way through the dark pit emotion, knowing that I am number one in Kaitlyn's eyes. It can be a fight--it's a real one that takes great strength and perseverance. It is easy to feel lost in the mound of unfolded laundry, the dirty kitchen and unmade bed...it is easy to feel like a domesticated failure since you think you should be able to do it all. I'm a stay at home mom, afterall...but, today, I realize I'm a Stay at Home Mother Warrior. If I fail at the laundry today and stay in my PJs until 4pm, forget to mail a letter and eat breakfast for dinner, it doesn't matter. The important elements in my day are wiping my baby's dirty diaper and soothing her teething tears. I'm grateful to be present for these moments, to shine as a Mother Warrior in her eyes!