Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn

For a brief moment I was saddened that I have not posted since just over a month ago. I had secretly vowed to myself that I would blog more frequently and truth be told I've had the time but not the desire. For most of this past month I've had a sour taste in my mouth. My sweet Kaitlyn will be the one to give me a stomach ulcer, premature gray, high blood pressure, acne, extreme cramping and quite possibly unhealthy stress lines over laughter lines. Oh well is what I say to it all tonight. She's a kick in the pants and sometimes has an attitude I wish I could kick away by whatever healthy discipline tactic there is. I've come to realize she's an over the top sassy, independent, highly smart/brilliant, overly stimulated child that knows my number all too well. We butt heads more than I'd like to admit and while I may feel like a confident mother, it takes her one phrase, screamed, mind you, to get my floodgates highly strained from holding back the tears. Her aggressive moments of screaming phrases come about at the most random times and are no appropriate conversation starter.

"I don't need you mommy. Go away."

"Get me out of here, I am not looking at you."

"I want to kill you." (Don't fret, this phrase has been verbalized twice-and while it did kill me for the moment, I've moved on, worked through it).

Yes. It's heartbreaking, it makes you wonder where these phrases can come from within one little mind. I actually am not certain that spelling out some of my examples are even worth making public, but in reality, I know I'm not alone and what I've come to conclude in my quest for healthy discipline is that no one talks about this stuff. I need to talk. I'm driven by connecting and finding resolution and when my daughter and I butt heads as often as we do, it's been an edgy ride over here.

Now, what I realize is that I'm merely at the beginning of this life long relationship with over the top sassy, independent, highly smart/brilliant, overly stimulated Kaitlyn. I wonder what's in store for me with each passing year...so far, I cringe. On the flip side of this dark side, I am learning so much about myself. Why do I get into such a head spin when she acts out? Why is it just with me and not with Steve or anyone else? How can I more effectively set boundaries with her while also maintain a nurturing sense? My answer as of late is loaded. First and foremost, I'm not aggressive by nature. I sure feel like I've emanated this more often lately, but in becoming aware of myself, nothing works when I allow my emotions to spiral and control me. Montessori practices in her current preschool are my saving grace. Very simple redirecting has it's place in my mind. I'm not yet highly effective with this, but I see I get better results, faster, when I employ a more calm, affirming tone with her while removing her from a situation to diffuse really me, but by default, also her. Next, these emotions I get as a reaction to her animated contrary statements and the like, are currently taking me on an analytical roadmap of my brain. I'm sorting through emotions from past experiences in my life that are similar in emotional response and figuring out how to resolve it. One could say I'm doing some self-improvement over here? Talk to me in a month and see where I'm at...

Because Kaitlyn continues to love me, express her love to me and with those around her; because Kaitlyn does eventually listen and does act obedient when in the 'older sister, teaching younger brother' mode...her love over rides any ill addressed verbiage she may push my way. It still hurts. I'm still sour at times. But, I, like every other mother out there, is on a learning curve. We don't have all the answers and we sure don't have the template to follow, the one size fits all handbook. That would just be too easy, now wouldn't it?